What is it? Is it essential to success and happiness or merely a useful tool? How much is too much or not enough? Who decides? Can it be acquired through learning or must it come naturally and without effort to be of value. That word ‘confidence’ has cropped up in too many conversations I’ve had recently to be ignored. My young virtuosi musician friends usually discuss it in relation to others, while athletes and dancers seem to reserve it for themselves, as do writers. Used in a social context, most people seem to view it as a kind of aura that’s almost tangible and is definitely desirable. But there are also instances when confidence is unpleasant and unwarranted; where it isn’t reasonable at the level it seems to have reached. Is everyone talking about the same thing or has there been some modern alteration to confidence that’s developed from the age of entitlement we now live in?
I was describing the performance of a young violinist recently to another of his friends who’d missed it. I admitted that as wonderful as he’d always been his concerts were even more superb now because he seemed to exude confidence. I’d never noted the lack of it before, mind you. I was just aware that something was different now. His friend who’d grown up with him through a pre-adolescent school relationship, nodded instantly and said, “Yes, confidence makes all the difference, doesn’t it.” But how could he have had anything but confidence in the past when he was already one of the finest violinists in the world at a very young age? I found it hard to believe his musicianship had changed enough to warrant such a gain.
That question also brought to mind a mature writer who admitted to a crisis of confidence recently when working with a different group of authors and special demands. I had the same reaction; disbelief that there could be any reason for a writer so gifted to ever have self-doubts. And even in a social context, how can people who appear to be attractive and accomplished ever suffer from shyness or struggle to overcome fear of being superficially judged by their peers?
I used to believe confidence was really just a matter of experience gained over time and the perfecting of skills of all kinds, be they artistic, athletic, professional or social. I’d certainly never discount the importance of familiarity in the breeding of contempt, as I’ve always loved the way practice and knowledge ease anxiety; so the aging process itself can work wonders with confidence; yet there it was so strongly evident in a very young musician and there are plenty of other examples of it in those with limited life experience.
I’ve come to realize something quite revelatory about confidence, thanks to my own steady transformation as I’ve moved toward the work I’ve always wanted to do. Writing has taught me a lot about confidence. It’s not about assurance or poise, or even the self-reliance that comes when self-doubt is extinguished. I think confidence comes with the buoyancy of living life with a fully open heart. It comes from being really happy doing what you feel you were meant to do, no matter what that is. That’s why it’s so elusive and often missing in the most gifted, skilled and seemingly blessed people. You can’t fake it or deceive it into thinking you’re happy and fulfilled if you’re not. I think true confidence starts deep inside and then, like all things that come from the heart, it spreads out to warm and lift everything it touches. That’s why people want it so badly; because it feels so good.