According to the US Census Bureau, over 800,000 people are widowed in the United States each year; every year. Not that I trust the credibility of statistics (they’ll say anything with a little coaxing), but if this number is even close to accurate, it’s hard to believe we could be such an avoidable minority. Ah yes, I said ‘we’, because I am in fact one of the new 800,000 this year.
Why does society have such a hard time figuring out what to do with its minorities? Where should they be stored away, out of sight and therefore mind, much less problematic when unacknowledged? Sad reminders of ourselves and ‘there but for the grace…’, the beings in certain categories threaten others with the facts of life: namely that nothing is forever and ‘it’ can happen to anyone, ‘it’ being defined as anything from divorce to death, with possible detours through the maze of other ‘d’s’ like destitution, destruction and devastation.
There’s the problem of finding a long-term solution to the illness of widowhood, but even more frightening is the possibility of catching the disease through close proximity to air-borne contaminants; namely the widows themselves. What to do? Steer clear if possible; and it is possible. I should know, just as all the others do who no longer belong to that other society. The obvious avoidance mechanisms become humorous clichés, ‘they don’t know what to do with us’ the chorus reprised from widow to widow and chants of ‘who, me?’ coming from former friends and colleagues suddenly too busy to notice or care.
This all sounds a lot more virulent than I mean it to. As I said, I find the shunning by former friends, especially one half of a couple, more humorous than humiliating now. The fact that not one of these old social connections has asked me what it’s like to be part of the new minority speaks volumes about their concern for themselves. They’d like to help but not on their block. Society is such a misleading noun. It suggests order and culture and most importantly, a network of relations linking people together. But it seems that if the network is made up of the loose threads of nostalgia and idealism it quickly ravels when one of its fibers is stressed a little more than the others. What to do? Let it go. Look the other way and hope it doesn’t cause a big hole to grow right in the middle of us.
Well I know, and so does everyone else, that it won’t work. The hole will get bigger and bigger if we don’t pay attention to it while we can still knit up ‘the raveled sleeve of care’. What to do? Pay attention. How to do it? Stop focusing inward and giving in to fear. It’s interesting how much happier everyone is looking out at someone else for once. Whether a group of “six civic minded individuals” like those who started the NY Society Library in the 1700’s, or all the human beings existing on planet Earth, a Society can’t remain healthy without holding together the disparate loose ends at risk.
I’ve been one of those before. I think we all have. Very young, sick, poor, disaffected and disconnected, it’s part of the human condition at some point in life to be on the outside looking in. I’m not one of those now; it’s just that others would have me be. Perhaps because I’ve been in and out of favor before I’m not afraid of it. Maybe the wisdom that comes from survival has taught me to be comfortable with the outsider’s position. Or possibly the understanding that we’re all alone whether we like it or not is enough to give me the strength I need to adapt, as adapt I must. But so must everyone else in order to reform the social fabric that’s made up of 800,000 new widows each year. They have to make changes to make room for me. It’s not that hard. They just have to be inclusive and celebratory instead of frightened and restrictive. Yes, it certainly could happen to you, too, but if it does, I hope you’ll know what to do,
Sidney,
Thank you for your beautiful eye opening essay and all the eloquent comments that followed. It’s all heartbreaking and yet the strength of character, yours and each of your friends writing their thoughts, shine through.
I’m thinking of you with all your individual gifts and insights, and think that sometimes people only reference the “couple” relationship, and have absolutely no clue who the individuals are that make up that couple. It takes more perception and effort to connect to the individual whether or alone or paired up. The work and the effort is full of potential, change and promise of new and renewed gifts.
Much, much love to you Sid. Sadly, I no longer know how to reach you by phone, but here is my number so we can talk directly: 207-650-5190
I’m pretty sure these people don’t know how to make friendships outside of their predetermined social units. You must have so many friendships you’ve made one on one based on mutual interests, work and talent. I know because I’m one of them and I’ve been lucky enough to be introduced to some of the others. My heart was breaking reading what Paul wrote about foster children being afraid of being exposed. There is a powerful story there about how damaging and limiting labels can be.
Mine too, Rachel. Fear of exposure for a child is monumental, but it can come at any time in life and whether or not one has legal support systems. We’re all foster kids in many ways. And the issue of labeling and expectations…ah well, that’s another creativity killer. NO better way to crush the human spirit.
Thanks so much, Rachel, for highlighting the issue of exposure. Well done!!
Very interesting perspective. What has happened changed your “status” not of privilege, but of “category”. When we are comfortable in an among positive and supportive environments (married, for example), we never think of labels, but suddenly being faced with being labeled, “Widow” narrows your “category”. Labels are dangerous because they artificially imply restrictions, limitations and boundaries. We all have to fight being “labeled” into any category. Your personhood, Sidney, goes way beyond your label of being a widow; if anything it is a freedom from previous possible restrictions. You are living it well out from under this label.
That’s the key word, Jay, LABEL! Get rid of the labels up front and we’d have a lot less profiling along the way. Thanks so much for commenting. It seems we all understand on the surface, but it’s so hard to live what we know.
Well the problem with your essays is that they make one ponder and think about the issues long after reading them, and this one certainly does that.
Indeed we all have this experience and learn it too early. I remember growing up with 35 children in a private school class. At Middle school, along with 5 other students I was to transfer to a public school. Every transferee got into a special high school but me. I failed the test. My friends all of a sudden shunned me. Was I more stupid than the day before I failed the test? Or were they scared my failure was catchy, or more probably they just felt more comfortable associating with people who would move i their world with the same identities.
One of the big challenges I encountered in working the teenagers in foster care was their common fear they would be outed. If in school anyone found out they were from foster care they would be shunned by teacher and children. If they applied for a job this fear of being outed was paralyzing. If no one knew their ‘status’, which had nothing to do with their abilities or personality or behavior, they would be accepted similarity as children living in their biological family.
Yes part of the issue is how we see ourselves. But another part begins at the beginning. Building friendships that can survive changes in ones status or position in life take extraordinary efforts and commitments. They don’t come easy and unfortunately in a highly competitive society children often learn the wrong lesson. Networking has replaced friendships. If we learn that at an early age how can we even be prepared to maintain later life friendships when someone no longer fits the profile of our network?
Thank you for using your own experience to focus on this issue and shining a light on society’s failure to be more accepting and inclusive.
Sorry this is so long, but you brought to focus a big issue. Paul
Yes, no doubt, this is it. I love the way you point out you hadn’t changed from one day to the next but their attitude had. Can’t help but think labels and expectations play a big role. Surely we need to get rid of all that so we can see the person inside. Thank you so much Paul. Your professional experiences as well as your childhood ones have taught you well!!