by Sidney S. Stark
“Please tell me when it will be done so I can manage expectations.”
My colleague delivered this request via email but her query vibrated with inherent tension and the tone was clear.
“The best way to do that is not to have any expectations.”
I answered honestly although looking back on it now, I’m sure my response wasn’t taken in the spirit in which it was intended.
How often I’ve stood on the practice tee at the golf course and mused with the golf pro about how well I play the first few rounds of a new season. The nine months away from a sport that’s supposed to be all about practice for consistency always seems to improve my swing and my score rather than impair them. My friend the golf pro always makes the same comment. Every year it’s as if I lose the point only to be reminded of it again. ‘It’s all about reduced expectations’ he says for the hundredth time; ‘or none at all’ I chime in finally remembering the importance of letting go of ‘could’, ‘would’ and ‘should’. And that’s just another crystalline example of why golf is the psychologists dream sport. Understand its lessons and you understand life.
Play the game you bring with you on any given day; discard the visions of a past grandeur or future glory so you can focus on the current and be 100% present in it. Relax your grip on expectations and your clench on your golf club will relax too. Yes, it’s so much easier to do when you’ve distanced yourself from the sport a little (nine months will do nicely), but I find how quickly the old habits return to haunt my best intentions. Within the space of my first two days of well-played, relaxed rounds my visions of stardom have returned guaranteeing tension and future disappointment. We’re all the same. But I do find that if I can recognize the tendency to build these obstacles up in my own path, I can talk myself out of clinging to those expectations so hard I can’t hold onto the beauty the current day offers.
Reduce expectations? Absolutely; but it’s really best to diminish them so much they disappear altogether. In golf as in life, it’s best not to get caught up in your own head. My friend the golf pro has taught me to order the habitually destructive expectations named ‘could’, ‘should’ and ‘would’ away when they threaten me as they always do. He reminds me they don’t have my best interests at heart. It would be so much easier in golf as in life if they actually stood before me, manifest in their seductive malice. But as it is, sneaky and guilt-ridden as these specters are, I have to be willing and able to say to myself,
“Just get out of my way!” Because I always find these expectations are really me.
Question @You: Is goal orienting the same thing as setting expectations? Let us know what you think. And please note you don’t have to leave your name anymore if you don’t want to.